Unwanted Sexual Behavior
“THIS IS THE LAST TIME!”
For a while, those words really meant something. You can probably remember saying them with such ferocity that you actually believed it.
Then, fast forward…
A day…
A week…
Maybe even a month or two…
And now, here you are… acting out again.
The same patterns keep following you around.
Some days, you feel alright and don’t think much about it.
Some days, it sits in the back of your head throughout the day. You notice it from time to time. You think you’ll be in the clear, but as soon as you find yourself alone and in your room, it seems to strike from a hidden place, and you get lost in it like you can’t say no.
Some days, it’s all you can think about. Sex is on your mind from when you wake up until you can get your fix. You’re sexualizing the people around you, even random people walking down the street or in the grocery store.
Fantasizing, masturbating, hating yourself, repenting, committing to do better, fighting for a while… wash, rinse, and repeat.
You know the drill.
Does this cycle sound familiar?
You know it’s a cycle, but it’s so hard to pinpoint – let alone stop. At some level, you probably feel this struggle will be with you forever.
You refuse to accept total defeat, but your resolve is waning.
Deep down, you know you’ve been deceiving yourself, and you’re desperate for change.
Are you ready to stop this destructive cycle?
Many clients are keenly aware of how their addictive behavior has hurt them and their loved ones. To say they are not happy with themselves is an understatement.
Some are whiling away their hours at the computer or finding hookups, and in the meantime their families are falling apart.
Some keep things neat, still careful to meet the minimums of their family obligations. Yet their loved ones wonder what’s up – even when they’re around, they aren’t truly present. Of course when you live a double life, it’s not possible to give 100% to both. Even if the mind isn’t stuck on sex, it can’t really feel at ease with people who don’t really know you, right?
Have you thought that this only impacts you? That it doesn’t affect your loved ones? Have you thought that what your spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt them? Are you feeling quite sure of this?
If you’ve read this far, I know you’re at a crossroads:
Continue in the back-and-forth of your addictive behavior… or take some concrete steps toward real change.
In a society where the “do-it-yourself” mentality is all the rage, it can be a bummer to admit that you need help, especially with something that seems like it’s totally in your own head.
Addictive behaviors – especially sexual ones – thrive in the shadows. There’s a strong drive to keep them there – we don’t like others knowing about the things we do when we’re alone – especially when it’s sexual. But then we’re fighting the addictive behavior in its own territory, and we’re wrought with disadvantage.
It can get scary, but bringing it into the light – even just with a therapist to start – is a critical step in truly breaking free. Continuing to fight on your own only increases your sense of isolation, and the more isolated we are, the more the behavior grows.
Many who deal with unwanted sexual behavior are on the fence about it.
They’re tired of the cycle: the guilt and shame, despair, commitments, pressure, and acting out again. Yet the behaviors seem to provide something of value in the moment: they provide an outlet like reducing stress, distracting, or numbing emotional pain.
I don’t overlook that ambivalence.
The brain has real reasons for doing the things it does. But sexual acting out – be it masturbation or more extreme behaviors – often becomes a sort of “band-aid” for meeting the real needs under the surface.
Would you be surprised if I told you that your behavior was probably about more than just sex?
What if we could find the real reasons behind your actions – the deeper needs that are driving them… and start to take steps to meet those underlying needs in ways that provide a much greater sense of satisfaction, wholeness, health, and connection with others?
This is what I do every day with my clients.
I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). The CSAT program was developed by Patrick Carnes and is the gold standard for treating addictive sexual behavior.
This training provides therapists with a deep understanding of how unwanted sexual behavior operates, along with the tools needed to provide effective treatment for it. My approach is structured and practical, helping you control the addictive cycle and live a healthier, more balanced life.
In addition to the structured and practical, there’s also a focus on self-knowledge and healing, moving from a place where my clients hate themselves for their behaviors to a place where they can understand and accept themselves – even love themselves. This involves healing from trauma and other painful life experiences that have contributed to being stuck in the cycle.
Take the first step.
Don’t allow yourself to be swept up in despair, and don’t settle for things staying the way they have been.
Whether you are young or old, you are capable of change. Even if you’ve managed to get by like this for years, why continue in this struggle when it’s possible to flourish? Take courage and let yourself believe that things can get better!
If you are prepared to start a conversation about healing from unwanted sexual behavior, call me today at (480) 466-0756 or email me at david@stjosephcounseling.com.